Saturday, April 9, 2011

Zumba

Hello world!
    I am excited to inform you all that I ordered Zumba DVDs...I know, sweet right? Well, I'm pretty stoked about it. I am planning on using the DVDs with my cousin Smell Jr and a few friends. I am hoping the more people I get to do it with me, the more motivated I will be to keep it up. Where I work, there is an exercise room with a big flat screen. I am thinking that would be a great place to do it. I have heard from those who have tried it in classes, that it is a lot of fun. I also had a tribal council member ask me to teach classes for it....BAHAHA! whoo, got a nice laugh out of that one. I'm sure I would be super inspiring while I stop to take hits from my inhaler. However, I do wish we had an instructor here in our small town.

If you have done zumba, I would love to hear about your experience. I will be letting you guys know how it goes for me. I still haven't got the DVDs in yet, hopefully this next week. Any who, today's post is a little short. I am going to go hang with two of my hometown besties. I hope you all have a great weekend!

Friday, April 8, 2011

Make you feel my love- adele

Ok, this song has been making me think a lot about a friend of mine and her relationship with her husband. I wanted to let her know that I am elated at her happiness. I am writing it in a post, well, because it would make for an emotional conversation in which we would be awkward and laugh inappropriately. It's on the playlist at the bottom of the screen. It is my new favorite song....and I don't mean to brag, but I do a mean "car"aoke (karaoke) with this bad boy; just ask my dog.  Anyway, this is why it reminds me of my friend.

One of my friend's husband is overseas.  They are just recently married (this last summer) and it has been more than rough for them to be apart. She means a lot to me, being one of my closest friends. I know that her love for her husband is genuine and runs deep. I also know, without having met the man, that her husband loves her the same. That being said, this song reminds me of them because without question, they will do what it takes to make the other person feel loved. 
 

There is a part in the song that talks about the person not having made their mind up about the singer. I know that sounds awful when I talk about this song reminding me of their relationship, but it really made me smile because my friend was not quite sure if she was ready for a relationship when her husband came along; but he stuck with it and was able to show her he really cared about her. Every time I hear this song, I think about how grateful I am that she is happy and how she loves him so much she pours her love out in every way possible just to make sure he knows. She has never been showy with her emotions....pretty much have to break her arm to get her to tell you what bothering her, but I would...cause I love her.

The line in the song "you ain't seen nothing like me yet" oh man, it just gets to me. They are great for each other and I know that they have a lot to offer each other. This man is able to give her something that no one else has. I have seen her let down walls I was afraid might never fall (thank you Jesus!). For that reason alone, I love him like a brother....and yet we have not met.

I love you both!
 
Make you feel my love- Adele

When the rain
Is blowing in your face
And the whole world
Is on your case
I could offer you
A warm embrace
To make you feel my love

When the evening shadows
And the stars appear
And there is no one there
To dry your tears
I could hold you
For a million years
To make you feel my love

I know you
Haven't made
Your mind up yet
But I would never
Do you wrong
I've known it
From the moment
That we met
No doubt in my mind
Where you belong

I'd go hungry
I'd go black and blue
I'd go crawling
Down the avenue
No, there's nothing
That I wouldn't do
To make you feel my love

The storms are raging
On the rolling sea
And on the highway of regret
Though winds of change
Are throwing wild and free
You ain't seen nothing
Like me yet

I could make you happy
Make your dreams come true
Nothing that I wouldn't do
Go to the ends
Of the Earth for you
To make you feel my love

Day Five- Friday!

Hello readers!
    Today was a crazy day. I woke up really cranky, just as every day, and feeling not so great. I sucked it up and got myself to work. I had a follow up appointment from my ER visit. I had to get more blood drawn to check for celiac disease and I had to get a pelvic ultrasound to check for cysts on my ovaries. So at 9am I went in for my appointment. That went relatively fast; I was out of the doctor's office in about 45 minutes and sent over to the lab and radiology departments for the tests. I got my blood drawn and scheduled an ultrasound for the 18th; which was a ways away but I didn't think anything of it. As I am pulling away from the clinic, I get a call from my doc's assistant asking me to come back in because they needed the ultrasound stat. (saying stat makes everything sound more important...and like grey's anatomy) I went back in and the ultrasound technician informed me that I needed to be practically peeing my pants to get a good picture of my ovaries. I chugged a good 7 glasses of ice water in the waiting room. You know what's not so smart? chugging a good 7 glasses of ice water in the waiting room. There were 3 other people in the waiting room when the freezing cold water began to make me shiver (in my sweatshirt and fleece sweats). At this point, I definitely had a full bladder and was not only shivering, but doing a little dance to keep from peeing.

Finally, the technician comes to bring me in for an ultrasound at 11 am. She was friendly enough and promised I could make a dash for the bathroom as soon as she was done. I don't know how many of you have had an ultrasound, but if you have a full bladder getting an ultrasound doesn't help the situation. I was already about to burst and my guts were killing me; then the technician had to push on my stomach to get a good picture. I had to hold my breath to keep from peeing all over her little table. When she was through with that, she told me I could pee....and that my bladder was very full, so to take my time emptying it. (how embarassing)

When I entered the room again, she asked me if the doctor had explained the next step. I said "I thought we were done." Her face goes serious as she tells me I need an endovaginal ultrasound of my ovaries. My day just got 10X better :|   She explains that I will need to take everything off from the waist down and jump on top of a huge cushion that puts my downstairs upstairs. She didn't leave right away, so I assumed she just wanted me to strip down. As I am undressing, she tells me she will give me a minute to get ready and steps out....FML. When she comes back, she takes out something that looks like my curl stick (curling iron) and informs me that she will be putting it in my vagina...excellent :(. 

As she is getting pictures, I notice little black circles in my ovaries. I am trying not to freak out as I run the possible reasons through my head. I get so worked up, I barely remember driving back to work. My uncle is our tribal admin (office boss aka big chief). I walk into his office to tell him I'm back. He asks me what the doctor said...I begin bawling. I don't know how many of you know a Tlingit man, but they aren't so good with crying. Luckily, my uncle was compassionate, sat me down, and kept me from having a panic attack. He told me not to worry until there was something to worry about. I said ok and walked back to my office and shut the door...and locked it.

As I am googling ovarian cancer, ovarian cysts, etc. I come across Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome...which looks a lot like my ovaries. As I read the symtoms, I come across infertility....and I start bawling again. At the top of things I wish to accomplish in life is being a mother. I obsess about it. I literally cry when I find out someone is pregnant because I am that crazy jealous. So I went through the rest of work in fits of hysteria. At 2:45pm, I left work early.

At 3pm. the doctor called and told me the only thing wrong with my ultrasound was a cyst in my right ovary....I was fine.

I took some ibuprofen for the pain, turned my electric blanket on high, and slept for 2 hours. Now, I am writing to you folks, to let you know, I am grateful to have you to write these things to....because otherwise I might've shoved multiple doughnuts into my stomach to "vent". 

Day 5- score one for the good guys!

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Day Four-What the heck?!

Hello all,
    So today...aweful. I had to go the ER last night because of a pain in my lower abdominal area. I called the nurse's station to see if I should even go in, because my insurance doesn't like to cover ER visits, and she said I should. I start to panic, because honestly I thought she would say to just come in the next morning. The nurse expressed concern that I might be having a miscarriage or my IUD (mirena) could be pushing through my uterus....fabulous, right? I called my aunt to have her come with me; because I didn't want my husband going. Not because he isn't a great supporter; I was just sure it was nothing. He did not think that was ok, so he came along to. So, I walk into the ER with my entourage and get into the ever-so-fashionable little outfits they have for when you get a pelvic exam and wait for the doctor. The whole time all I could think was "great, I'm pregnant. Well, at least people will be accurate in assuming so."

The doctor showed up and did a regular check of my lungs, stomach, etc. Nothing seemed out the norm; other than the pain. By this time the it was pretty bad and I was not looking forward to the vajay exam....(especially since I desperately needed to pee). The speculum as particularly unfriendly this visit and was not wanting to co-operate with the doctor. Btw, find the cervix is the worst game of hide and seek ever! Luckily, the doctor didn't find anything abnormal during that exam. It was decided that I needed to get blood drawn to check my kidney function and white blood cell levels...also, I got to pee in a cup (thank God cause I could've filled about 10 specimen cups). Yes, I did take a pregnancy test and yes, I will still want to kill myself if someone asks me if I'm pregnant. The third pregnancy test I have taken this month was negative. (I have been having stomach issues and I was very tired for a while, hence the two other pregnancy tests).

After all the tests and exams (which lead the doctor to believe I have a cyst or ruptured follicle), the doctor offered to give me a shot for the pain. I was in a good amount of pain, otherwise I would have never let anyone come near me with a needle...but I decided it may help me sleep.  The nurse came in to administer the shot; which went in my leg. I braced myself for her arrival. As she is preparing the shot, she tells me "please don't stand up after the shot, many people faint. Yep, they just drop to the floor like a bag of potatoes." (I grip my husband's hand a bit tighter). She rubs alcohol over the targeted area; "ok, now get ready. This shot hurts; like a lot. Probably worse than your abdominal pain. Just joking, but really, it does hurt". (My husband's hand is now in a vice grip from my terror). She stuck me with the needle and she was right....it hurt...bad...like a charlie horse but with fire. Afterwards, she gave my leg a massage; which sounds nice, but it basically spread the flame. So as I limped to the car, I laughed at myself for thinking the shot would help me sleep. I woke up every hour or so because of the pain in my abdomen...and because the shot had made it uncomfortable for me to lay on my favorite side.

Today, I work up at 7:40am. I begin work at 8am. My day was spectacular. I got to crumple into the position you take when your cramps get so bad you want to die....and I sat like that, at my desk, for the whole day. When I had to walk short distances, the pain increased. So I became a prisoner to my cave-like office. (I keep the lights off in my office as often as possible because it kind of works as a bouncer. Telling all the strangers to "eff off and stay out of my office" in a subtle sort of way).

 Needless to say, I will not be walking Phoebe today and I will be confided to my couch to watch Grey's Anatomy and multiple DVR recordings ;) ...I guess there are plus sides to feeling like someone sucker punched you in the uterus.

Day 4- Not an epic fail, but score one for the bad guys.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Day Three-sunshine and phoebe

Hello readers!
     Today is a good day. I am feeling a little sick, but that didn't put a damper on things. I went to work and got a lot of things done. It is a beautiful day here in Alaska. When the sun comes out, my whole word changes. I LOVE Alaska. Many people from my town are not so fond of living here; especially the younger folks. When I went to college in Colorado, I knew I was coming back here.

When I got off work today, I decided I wanted to take my pooch for a bike ride.  My pup's name is Phoebe (Fee-Bee). I adopted her from the La Plata humane society when I was a senior at college and she was eight weeks old. She is a chihuahua-blue heeler (Austrailian Cattle Dog)...don't ask me how it happened that she is what she is. The vet thinks the chihuahua was the male...Anyways, less on the topic of my dog's lineage. Phoebe was the cutest little thing. She weighed 5 lbs when I got her and the vet guessed she wouldn't be more than 20 lbs tops. I am not a big dog person, so I was excited to have her. My dad (whom I lived with for 2 months after I got out of college) was not so pumped. I promised him she was potty trained and wouldn't be much bigger than our 3 lbs pomeranian-wiener dog mix.

When we got home to Alaska....Phoebe decided she liked using the bathroom in my dad's room (there is not actual bathroom in my dad's room). He grew less fond of her. Phoebe's personality before I got her home was playful, energetic, but got tired pretty fast. She was only 4 months old when we left Colorado...so I don't know why I expected her to stay that way. As she matured, she outgrew her tiny little chihuahua head and developed a blue heeler body type. She looked like a monster chihuahua with a weight problem. People who use to think she was adorable, laughed when they saw her. (douche bags!) I kept them informed that she WAS 1/2 blue heeler and it is to be expected that she resemble both her parents.

Well, I went from walking my dog twice a day (pre-wedding exercise), to throwing a ball in the drive way (post-wedding exercise). You know how people say that dogs come to resemble their owners....Phoebe is now short and obese. I feel like what people say about my dog, probably relate well to what they would say to my husband... "damn, she's huge!" "what have you been feeding her?!" "what ate your dog [wife]?"  "is that even the same puppy? [person]"....and "take her for a walk!"

So, like I was about my weight, I became sensitive about Phoebe's weight.  "She eats just as much as she did before!" "She just has a large build"  "it's because of her genetics"....."SHUT UP DAD NOBODY CARES WHAT YOU THINK!"......I became the crazy dog lady.

Luckily, when I came around to the fact that I was a big girl again, I also came to the realization that Phoebe is big girl too....Also because of my choices. Therefore, like myself, Phoebe will be exercising more often. I took her for a bike ride today. Poor pup, she was panting before we crossed the street to the bike path....right across the street from my house. We rode the length of the bike walk and back; about a mile-ish. We panted as we heaved our bodies up and down the small slopes in the pavement....but we made it. We both struggled up the 3 steps to my house, grabbed some water, and collapsed in our usual spots; me on the couch, phoebe on her rug. But, the big thing (besides our weight) is that we got our butts up and did it. So I celebrate our success on day three. May there be many more breath-taking bike rides or walks in our future. I love you Phoebe!

the view out my window today...the bike path is along the road across the street.
Phoebe right after I got her approx 1 month old
Obese Phoebe age 1 year. I couldn't find a good angle, so you can't see her love handles so much.

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Post two of day two "Biggest Loser"

 I am great at goal setting. I can plan like nobody's business...it's the follow through I'm not so great with. I have had this goal of getting down to 145 lbs for over a year now; the closest I've come is 155. I thought for sure I had those last 10 lbs beat, but I fell off the wagon. I ate because I didn't feel like people were watching each calorie I consumed. As a big girl, it's hard not to feel like people are judging you each time you eat something delicious. You just know they are thinking "hey big girl, put down the pizza!".

I don't know how many of you watch Biggest Loser, but I am addicted. It's a show about obese people who compete to lose the most weight  (to be the Biggest Loser). They have trainers that put them through amazing work outs and motivate them to continue their weight loss journey. Watching the show this season, I have watched a favorite contestant of mine (Irene, second to Courtney) go from 255 lbs, 56 lbs heavier than myself, down to 170. She now weighs 29 lbs less than me. As I probably don't need to point out,  I did not feel as great as she did when she stepped on the scale.

Bob (one of the trainers) has this saying "nothing tastes as good as being skinny feels".  I don't know if Bob has ever had fry bread, but I guess this quote does make a lot of sense. So now, I am trying to embrace that kind of mindset. I am going into this with the understanding that it will not be easy to think that way. It is hard to look at a piece of cheesecake and think "if I don't eat this, I will be skinny in about 6 months". Especially when cheesecake is the cure-all for any unwanted emotion. Let's face it. For some of us, if our parents hadn't shoved something to eat down our throats, we would have never stopped crying. So when you just got into a fight with your sister and are going through all the witty things you SHOULD have said, it's hard not to go on autopilot, reach for the spatula and ice cream, and cram some frustration deep into your gut. Therefore, to keep me motivated, I am going to post a photo of me when I was at my goal weight. That way, I can look at the photo and remind myself "oh yes, I want to be THAT girl...But down the fork fatty!". Also, you will be able to see my goal-self in comparison to my already posted big-girl-self.

Freshman year of college (pre-freshman 15)
(A friend and I at our Senior picnic for high school)
(State Grand Champions my senior year of high school. I am in the front. It's the only pic I have with my whole body at that time)

Day Two

Hello Readers!
    To keep you guys updated on my progress, I am going to post daily about how my day went. I also will post stories, information, or random thoughts through out the week. I would love you to comment on my posts and tell me what you think..

Day Two-
When I decided to do this blog, I promised myself I would be honest with my readers about how I was doing on my weight loss journey. I did not realize that I would have to embarrass myself on the 2nd day....but here it is:    
Today has been a slow day. I had a lot of boring tasks at work and the clock was moving slower than my grandmother through an airport.  I could feel myself going in to one of those work comas; where you are at your desk doing your work but you can't respond to anything or anybody because you've been so bored for so long that your mind has pretty much given up all hope of being used for anything interesting.  Anyways, at 11 I was informed I had a teleconference at 11:30. I did not pack lunch, so I ran (haha yeah right, I drove) to the store to grab some food. Which is wildly pathetic because the store is literally right up the hill from where I work. To add to my shame, when I arrived at the store I bought a handful of potato wedges and a crispito from the deli....I know, I am really great at this losing weight thing. I'm like one of those people who would die to be skinny and worry about how fat they are, but think that complaining about diet and exercise is a great way to burn calories. The plus-side is that I am going for a walk this evening with my cousin Smelly Jr. (she's junior to my great uncle Melvin or uncle Smelly) That should help burn off a few of those deep fried calories.

To keep myself from failing another day, I promise you readers that tomorrow I will eat healthier and get some form of exercise in.

Monday, April 4, 2011

Day One 199 lbs.

Hello!
   I am excited and scared about this blog. Let me start off by telling you a bit about my background.

I have been struggling with my weight since I was a little... let me rephrase that... a young girl. I ate whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted and I could put it away. My sisters just so happen to be twigs, so you know...family photos were fun. My family would make innocent jokes about my weight and I would bawl hysterically (btw, I'm the cryer in the family). I would make vows to not eat a single thing until I wasted away just to spite them (also the dramatic one). That would last about 10 minutes; 20 if my candy reserve was tapped out. This went on until high school, each diet less successful than the last.

My freshman year of high school I weighed 123 lbs and had topped out at 5'3". I remember thinking "Oh man, I am getting FAT!". (eff you skinny me!). Luckily, I still had enough confidence to try out for cheerleading. I made the varsity team because, well, it was a rebuilding year. We practiced 2 1/2-3 hours a day. I was in decent shape and able to eat more without feeling so guilty.

My sophomore year I walked through the high school doors weighing 145 lbs. I had a great summer! I worked at the local theater; which meant a nutritious diet of popcorn and candy . I did a youth cheer camp with my coach, so I could pretend I was active. By the time uniform fitting came around, I couldn't understand why I couldn't fit into my old uniform. I cried for hours when I had to put on a size 8, cause Heaven forbid I don't stay a size 6.

My junior year I had come to terms with being chubby. I still wore the same size 8 uniform. I bought bigger bras, bigger pants, bigger shirts (I could no longer get away with stealing my younger sister's).  I was dealing with it. I still had boyfriends..which at the time was all I cared about.

My senior year I weighed in at 150. Thankfully the weight was distributed a bit more evenly (or at least into my bust). I was becoming more confident. I was going on the 4th year of varsity cheerleading, I got the lead in the school play, I got accepted into multiple colleges, and racked up $10 grand in scholarships. I had a new boyfriend; total hottie. I was feeling pretty good about myself.

College was my downfall.

Freshman year, I joined the cheerleading squad, but it was a more laid back program than I was use to. Because I wasn't as active, you'd think I would cut down on my calories...Well, that's what you get for thinking.  My boyfriend and I had decided to make long distance work; so I didn't have to look amazing every day. I ate at the college cafeteria my first semester; a great way to avoid nutrition. My second semester I ate at applebees during happy hour because I was a poor college kid and was sick of the cafeteria.At the end of that year, I weighed 165....Freshman 15...Check.

My sophomore year I lived in the college apartments and could cook for myself....So I gained 15 lbs. Half way through the year I decided to try weight watchers with a friend of mine. This was mostly because I was afraid that my boyfriend would take one look at me and break it off.  It worked pretty well, I stuck to it for the rest of the year and lost 18 lbs. I was happy to see the numbers on the scale go down. However, that summer I gained it all back....and then some.

My junior year I jumped on the scale at 188 lbs. I constantly asked my boyfriend if he still loved me and he constantly told me he did because he "didn't care what I looked like"...Just so you know, saying that doesn't make a person feel better...it's like saying "So you're fat, at least you're not ugly". At my sports physical they pointed out that I had gained 23 lbs over the summer.  All I could say was "oh". What I really meant was"oh really, I hadn't noticed."  I had to ask my coach for a bigger uniform, a highlight for that year. I did not try to loose weight, I just tried to convince myself I could deal with being a big girl.

My senior year, I did not do cheerleading. My boyfriend had proposed to me and I was pumped. I was ready to go dress shopping! The first few dresses I tried on were a size 22, so shopping was not as fun as I hoped it would be. I had a new mission. Get down to 155 by the wedding so I could fit into the size 14 wedding dress I had ordered. Good news, I did it. Bad news, I did it months before the wedding so I had plenty of time to gain the weight back. 
Lucky for me, the size 14 that use to be big, fit me perfectly for the wedding. From that moment on, I was off the diet again. Which is what brought me to do this blog. I managed to gain 44 lbs in 10 months. YAY ME!

So I start this journey off at 199 lbs. I can't promise you readers that I won't fail, I can't promise that you'll feel motivated to start your own weight loss journey, but I do promise to do my best to keep you well informed of my progress in the form of a sarcastic or wildly emotional blog post.


P.S. Please bare with me, as I am new to blogging.